老餅范

我的家庭
我生於一個小康之家，分別有一個哥哥、一個姊姊。爸爸當白領工作，而媽媽，印象中並沒有出外工作過；不過，從黑白舊照中知道她和老爸一樣，當過會計。 一家五口住在公屋。

我的性格
我很怕羞和被動。 還記得少時候外公和小姨們探望我家時，媽走進廚房備茶時，我會「緊貼」着她，不出廚房門一步。小學時全家人返教會，除了「被迫」打招呼外，基本上我可以整天不說一句話。 我清楚記得有一次被團契導師『斥訓』：他告訴我要多說話，並清楚指明，不說話並不表示聽話和乖。 結果當然是：我變得更沉默。

我第一次「主動」參加的事情是選拔小學乒乓球校隊。還記得被取錄後與不同班同學練習時候，我連隊友姓名也不知道。 比賽當天滂沱大雨，我整對襪子和球鞋全濕透，也不敢哼一聲，直至半天後回家時才敢除下球鞋。

到了中學階段，這種害羞性格仍沒有太大的改善。 我在中一時個子仍矮小，有某種型號的巴士樓層又特別高，我不夠高去按下車通知按扭；可笑的是，我不敢請求任何人協助。 結果是：我有時要多走一個巴士站的路程。

我很怕獨處，在成長階段時候，印象中自己未曾嘗試過「一個人」往某地方、或參加活動，差點兒連上學也要和姊姊走在一起；中三時找暑期工？ 當時有老爸在場。

更嚴重的說，到外地讀研究院時，也要(或邀請)妻子陪伴 – 當然，那時已懂得修飾言詞，說服妻子也可進修英語、又可兩口子享受密「年」期呢！

新體驗
我選擇於一個學校假期的週日，獨個兒到大嶼山銀鑛灣酒店租住一晚；工作上 (尤其人事上和煩重的非教學工作上) 感到疲乏，故很想休息一下。 當然，以我的性格，不會在到達目的地後才訂房。我從網上的agent訂了房間，在當天便獨個兒出發。 這次當然也是我第一次一個人到大嶼山「宿」營。

出發當天，心中雖仍有點忐忑，但畢竟人到中年了，總不會像以前那般怕事。 在約四十五分鐘航程的渡輪上，人竟不多，我閉目養神，但腦海中一直出現在工作上所遇到的情景；真的算不上休息。

怎料到在酒店 check-in 時候，職員告知我不能一個人入住，因為離島巳變成自殺天堂，警方建議旅業同行不再租住房間予獨行俠。 我呆住了，並即告知酒店職員我已付款；那個主管竟說不是他們的責任，並叫我自行聯絡agent。 那張網上訂房收據卻諷刺地衹印上酒店電話。

我甚至想過到附近渡假屋試試運氣，他們卻提醒我整個地區也不可能 (獨個兒)租到房間。 我罕有地據理力爭，並極力要求他們提供方法去為我解決這個難題。

最後，我要致電太太，「証明」她會稍後到來與我一起入住才行。 職員更要求與我太太談話，証明電話的另一邊真有一位「太太」來証實。

我走進房間，有特別感受；我不是感到太憤怒，反而覺得自己當時曾有一刻想到另一地方碰運氣，是很愚蠢，甚至感到自己懦弱。 不過，據理力爭也不太困難哩。

那晚，我獨個兒在房間寫日記，又到海灘聽海聲，想了很多事情。 真正一個人擁有「世界」的感覺和自由真的不錯。

第二天早上，未夠六時我便走到海灘，赤着腳，「呆頭呆腦」地、第一次看日出，真的由一條線看着它成為刺眼的金色蛋黃。 那段時間，我根本不理會會否有人說我傻，獨個兒、腳浸着冰凉的海水來看日出。 這是我以往極少、甚至從沒有做過的事情；那時，我沒有一絲感到尷尬 – 雖然我沒轉過頭，看看身後走過的人。

看着這個日出，我感到盼望：每一個人都可以有自己選擇的道路、生活模式；我穿甚麼、做甚麼，並不要涉及任何人的意見，因為我才要為自己的決定和行為負責；再者，甚麼規條和制度都不太重要，重要的是自己的態度；凡事盡心盡力而為，向 衪負責便行。 看到整個蛋黃的來臨後，心中坦然、釋懷。 我清楚記得自己帶著微笑離開沙灘。

我乘渡輪離開，特意走到船尾，坐在甲板上的椅子，再「獨個兒」享受「獨個兒」，吹着海風、看着蔚藍的大海和被船槳轉動起來的白波浪，腦袋仍沒有一刻停下想事情，但它們已不再這般煩擾著我了。

我計劃一個人獨自行山，走一條未走過的山徑 – 雖然仍不太敢去走一條難走的路。

我是我
我相信，就算自己在做一些其他人不會做的事情時，甚至惹來特別眼光，我都不會太介意。 事實上，我才是事件的主人，那管得其他人怎樣想。 不過，有趣的是，我的大女兒有我小時候的影子，她也頗怕羞 – 雖然她的媽媽形容是一個特性 – 對陌生的事會按兵不動的一個特性。

而且，我在同工羣中也算鬼主意多、容易接近的同工；有時午飯時候圍在大桌子時我也可以口若懸河。

事實上，有些同事害怕面對家長、避免和他們見面，我在這方面卻鬆容應付。再想深一層，我常要(每年)在三十多、四十名新面孔面前說話、授課，我卻可以從容不迫，我才不要太害羞吧，也許我是較慢熱罷了。

後記
當我要做這個作業時，曾考慮過這個特別經歷是否有點過時，而經驗又不是為了特別反思甚麼。 不過，這卻是我難得而甚少出現的體驗，因此決定重看之前所寫下的日記，整理一下記憶，以自己慣用的語言完成這份作業。

What is life? Different people have different situations, time-span, experiences, and interpretations in life. No matter what colour, shape, ups-and-downs, and length of life is, I do believe we should go into it seriously, wholeheartedly, and non-regrettably.

I had an exam. in the evening yesterday. It's about the multi-dimensional and multi-variance quantitative research in education. It's quite brand new topic in HK; well, I'm afraid I'm too stupid to learn the module effectively and so, I'm pessimistic towards the exam., though I'm quite 'normal' emotionally.

After the exam., I walked in darkness, but also in peace. Then I received a phone call from an old friend, Ian. He's back from London cos his 89-year-old father is dignosed lung cancer. He asked me to pray for his father. I did it last night, cautiously.

I slept with my two kids last night. They're so lovely and peacefully in sleep, and I can't stand watching them for minutes. What's their lives in adolescence? What about their career? Pals? Marriage? Oh...no, hang on, I fail to think about these. I'm not directly responsible for these, but just act as companion and facilitator. They should follow HIS way, and that's it.

This morning, I got Ronald's e-mail, an old friend who we met 30 years ago, in secondary school. We played football, once we worked together, drove a car and went somewhere strange together...etc. And he becomes a father yesterday!! His wife gave a birth of a baby girl yesterday, in Baptist Hospital. So, a life is born, another life is going to fade...

That's life. God don't promise us a good, steady, comfortable and wealthy life. Yet, He promise us a fruitful, hopeful, joyful, and directional life. That's different.


"Troubles are round us on every side, but we are not shut in; things are hard for us, but we see a way out of them; We are cruelly attacked, but not without hope; we are made low, but we are not without help;
In our bodies there is ever the mark of the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be seen in our bodies."
2 Corinthians Ch. 4 8-10

這是我們用來形容這兩粒豆釘。他們真的古靈精怪、醒目可人。亞女在電話錄音的說話片斷更令婆婆惹笑得差點兒假牙都掉下來。

昨晚工作晚了，差不多九時才拖帶着疲累的身軀回家；在巴士上收到亞女電話，佢又模仿自己在那段說話錄音，真弄得我哭笑不得。兩條豆釘乖乖地坐在小椅子吃我買回來的花生糖不甩，比吃晚飯時更專注，真氣死人！

有時候，當工作至身心力交瘁、皮質醇升至高點時，看到兩粒小豆釘可愛地一起玩耍，心中已全然融化了。

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這兩晚睡前都恆切禱告，為著自己和家人所領受的恩典而感恩，也為著對未來的未知及前路而交託。明晚MEd考試，凶多吉少，自己知自己事，但內心卻有安靜平穩，因為最大不了便拿個marginal pass，甚至退學，那又怎樣？！但我又學到教訓：不要臨急抱主腳，一切要作好計劃，結果全然交託便成。 感謝 主。

當將你的事交託耶和華, 並倚靠祂, 祂就必成全. 詩篇 37:5

Our relation to a real teacher -- someone in whose presence we experience a heightened sense of self and a real growth and personal development -- is possibly more profound and more consequential than the experience of relations of friendship, love, and so forth. -- Van Manen


Consciously, we teach what we know; unconsciously, we teach who we are. -- Hamachek

最近亞仔講多咗嘢，但仍很痴纏，甚至聽我個電話就想喊。 他很可愛、古靈精怪、愛恨分明。

昨晚到爺爺家吃飯，走前和他道別時，突然說：再見嫲嫲。他彷彿仍記得已返天家半年的嫲嫲，真奇妙！

昨夜綺芬回家後坐在梳化，培培突然走向她，按摩她大大的肚子，又和他說話，並叫說不要打哥哥(佢自己)，心中感恩又感動。

心中一直有一團火，要寫一本書：一本有關我和三位小孩的經歷的扎記，讓我把我們的生命印記寫下來。這真是多麼的美好！

還有一個星期便完成這個學期在中大的所有課堂，再擠出兩份功課便成，但真不容易，唯有靠 主加給我力量，便能作我所能作的了！。

『除衪以外，別無拯救；因為在天下人間，沒有賜下別名，我們可以靠着得救。』使徒行傳4章12節

Last Sunday, my wife and I brought our lovely kids to the podium and rode bicycle. Another child, who I thought single child, intentionally played with my little boy by racing the bike. They rode around the facility and I was overjoyed by their lovely act. I asked my wife if she thought they're lovely. My wife simply said,' well, you're real father of the kids.'

Yeap, I agree that I like children, and more than that, I enjoy being a father. When I was young, I always played with a little boy who stayed with his grandparents. He just lived opposite ours. In fact, at that time I was just 6 to 7 years older than the boy but I still loved to play with him as an elder brother. I really like taking care of them. I do believe I have the heritage from my mother.

I have no problems playing with young kids wherever I am. It's inborn, and nothing can say. My wife is not that type. Well, people are different and it's unfair to put our preferences on others.

Look at the picture. My two kids are so lovely. I take their photos down here for beautiful memory. They are growing up fast. Yesterday, my girl took out a tooth from a dentist. That's the first tooth taken off in her life and yet, I am sure they will have more and more "first time" circumstances. That's life, coming from God.

逢星期六早上到中大上堂，是我近月的一大快事。早上拖著培培手送他返校後，乘車到中大本部－－富彌敦樓吃早餐，面向着一大片樹林，伴着鳥聲和蝴蝶飛舞的美景中吃早點，想起來也是無比的恩典！跟著沿路往下走，約十分鐘的路程便返到課室；路程看見蝶影雙雙飛舞、水聲輕傳、樹影婆娑，真像走過人間仙境，棒極了！加上課程又是自己喜愛的，這是bonus，可遇不可求。

路上遇上一位家長問路，兒子是參加資優生課程，看上去孩子眉清目秀，有一份英氣。上課休息時候，又看到一群家長和他們的孩子在大堂休息；不同的是：這些孩子全都是特殊的，相信全都是弱智的；但他們的家長的臉上都沒有厭煩的模樣。

同一個早上，遇到截然不同的小孩子，我明白什麼是感恩－－我兩條化骨龍都正常可愛、但應不是什麼天姿聰穎。我明白，作為基督徒，我要凡事謝恩，因為這都是 主的美意。

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下午和老妻傾閒偈，老妻重提我的一個"理想"：寫一本書，一本有關於育兒的個人分享集，她非常支持。她說看過我寫的文章，文筆都可讓她有興趣看下去；她的支持非常重要啊！跟着晚上和她參加夫婦小組，再次發覺自己的"幽默感"，分享時弄得弟兄姊妹笑得人仰馬翻。我想，這本書應有"銷路"嘛！最重要的是，有老婆仔的支持，又能記下孩子們成長的點滴，我真想不出有什麼理由打消我這個念頭。 願 主加添我力量，完 衪的美事。
零八年四月十二日週末

10 Things Every New Believer Needs To Know

1: You will always be the Child Of God
2: God found You, not Vise Versa
3: Your old nature is not gone
4: God will Forgive whatever You confess
5: God has given You a new nature
6: God's Word is vital for your growth
7: Fellowship with other believers is vital
8: God Hears Your Prayers
9: While You have changed, the world has not
10: God has a Plan For Every Part of Your Life

by Dr. Jim Denison, pastor and teacher

Recently I have sent an application letter. When I 'reviewed' my CV., I was "surprised" that I have worked in so many different organizations, in various fields: teaching in 5 different schools (including private commercial school, band-five, EMI boys and co-educational, and now, elite school!!), marketing (consumer products, shipping), bank (credit cards), bullion (forex and gold trading), photographic products (merchandising), part-time welfare worker (children & Youth Centre), auxiliary police force (Frontier -- Sheung Shui), adult evening school (Heung To, left-wing!!!).

From employers' point of views, I am not welcome as it's not easy for me to develop a sense of belonging in a workplace, but from my point of views, I meet different people, with different styles and personality, and I can have a 'taste' of different management styles, different bosses. Don't you think it's so interesting?! That's why I do think I am quite qualified to teach Liberal Studies.

More surprisingly, I realised that I had studied so many courses (short, 1-yr, 2-yrs...) and also met so many interesting people (coursemates). I finished the PGDE in year 2000 but we (coursemates) still meet frequently at least twice or even three times a year. Don't you think it's so amazing?! I also met some good friends when I studied the course in counselling. Those classmates are so 'passionate' and 'enthusiastic' towards students (so do I!!) and the situation is quite different when I study the MEd now.

Life is short, but full of fun and challenge. The current school president asked us to study a DBA or PhD cos we are going to change the school into private university. In fact, the chance is great but, well, I don't really care about it, at least now. Studying a DBA is difficult and more than that, I have to spend 3 to 5 years in night time, reading books and journals, doing research, writing papers...etc. Getting a 'second class' DBA is not my style, though. Oh gosh! it takes my life!!!!!

One day, when I die and go back to Jesus's paradise, the minute before I go, I'm quite sure I won't regret that I don't have PhD, getting a higher position, respecting from so many colleages...etc., but do regret much that I don't have adequate moments with my children and family, don't have chance to work for God, don't have time to go to those places I dream of...etc.

Oh, do u think as a man, am I not so ambitious? Well...I am who I am.

數天前的一個深夜，心培仔輾轉反側，似乎在做一個不大好的夢；突然，他眼也不開的說：「打打(daddy)，我想攬住你瞓！」。當時感覺真的很sweet，雖然很疲倦，但那種幸福感覺，卻充滿心頭。

綺芬說我有持別特質，小孩子都喜歡我；兩個小豆釘都愛親近我，小兒更甚，開口都說喜歡打打。負面來說，有時真感到攰，但沒有太多父親可有我這個福份哩！ 我喜歡並享受這個恩賜。